Style Conversational Week 1174: Suddenbreakingnews! Empress stampeded!
Multiply this many entries by 44 and that was the field for the Week
1170 horse name "breeding" contest. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post )
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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May 5, 2016
Happy Kentucky Derby weekend! I’ve watched the Derby on TV almost every
year since I was a horse-crazy 6-year-old in 1965 (winner: Lucky
Debonair), but for at least the past dozen years, I’ve especially
enjoyed rooting for “our horses”: those whose names were used in that
year’s Style Invitational foal-naming contest. This year, 15 of the 20
horses
scheduled
to start this Saturday (plus one alternate) are ours; i.e., their names
made my list of 100 Triple Crown nominees (out of almost 400) offered
for “breeding” in Week 1170. And 12 of those
15 are featured among thisweek’s inking entries .
Among the five horses that didn’t make the list of 100, I remember not
including Trojan Nation because ... because he can’t breed with that
thing on? No, actually I left him off because there was a strong chance
that the best entries would be unprintable. And once I chose Mo Tom, I
didn’t want to also use Tom’s Ready.
There were so, so many clever entries this year, sent by more than 300
people, including at least 20 Losers entering the Invite for the first
time. If you enlarge the photo above of the printout of the first few
pages of the 220 that comprised this year’s field, you’ll see how many
inkworthy ones are right there — and I could honor only about one entry
for every four pages. My first pass had 256 horse names, and I probably
left some worthies off that list, too. Well, that’s racing luck.
But if past years are an indication, the competition will narrow quite a
bit for the grandfoals in Week 1174. Usually the entry pool decreases by
a third or more — which still gives me lots of great entries. The 57
names you’ll be using is relatively few compared with past years’ (it’s
the smallest grandfoal list since 2009), but I’m confident that you’ll
mine plenty of unique gems.
(If you don’t feel like writing up a list of names to work with, you can
copy one from Neal Starkman’s post in the comment thread under the
Invite on the Style Invitational Devotees
Facebook page.)
Suddenbreakingnews helped First Offender Mark LeVota get runner-up ink
in Week 1170. The 18-character colt is the only one of our “above the
fold” horses who’ll be running in the Derby. (Charlie Riedel/Associated
Press)
I noticed that the vast majority of this year’s winners featured funny
puns rather than the other main approach to foal name humor, which is
having the second horse modify the first to produce the result, as in
Jesse Frankovich’s Mohaymen x Bar None = Mohaypeople. Two years ago, all
four “above-the-fold” entries were of the second type:
Toast of New York x General A Rod = Toast in New York (Jim Stiles)
Best Plan Yet x Cut the Net = Best Pla_ Y__ (Pie Snelson)
I Earned It Baby x Undertaker = I Urned It Baby (Pam Sweeney; Gary
Crockett)
Russian Humor x Constitution = What Constitution? (Roy Ashley)
I realized after publishing this week’s results that one of this year’s
funniest pun names, Mighty Moses x Big Squeeze = Let My Pimple Go (Ellen
Raphaeli; Larry Gray), was also one of last year’s funniest pun names:
Help From Heaven x Royal Squeeze = Let My Pimple Go (Jeff Shirley).
Racing luck can go both ways.
This was the second year that my judging of this contest was made so
much easier — and I’m sure better — with the help of Loser Jonathan
Hardis (who, yay, got some ink). I was able to send Jonathan a single
e-mail containing the combined 334 e-mails sent in for Week 1170 —
/that/ process, something I use every week, was worked out for me by
Loser Steven Papier — and a few hours later, he returned to me the
alphabetically sorted list you see a small fraction of above.
At the risk of coming off as lazy, I’m going to link to the Style
Conversational column I wrote about last year’s foal contest: It
explains (a) my judging method in general, including how the final cut
often comes down to what makes me laugh rather than just what’s really
clever; (b) how the grandfoal contest differs from the first round; and
(c) how greatly Jonathan improved my process with his sorting program.
(His offer to explain the technical details to interested nerds still
stands. Guy is a prince.) Especially if you’re new to this contest, take
a read here.
This year’s rose-blanketed victor and lost-by-a-nose runner-up are both
regular visitors to the Invite’s Losers’ Circle: It’s the eighth Inkin’
Memorial win for Danielle Nowlin, and the 25th finish “above the fold”
for Pam Sweeney, who, although her 257 blots of ink encompass all kinds
of contests, has amazing success with both the foal and grandfoal
contests: she’s finished in first place /five / times in horse contests
alone.
But it was straight to the (almost) top for First Offender Mark LeVota;
not only was Suddenbreakingnews x Twenty Four Seven = PlaneStillMissing!
his first ink, but as far as I can tell, this was the first time he’s
even entered the Invite. Along with hisFirStink for his first ink
,
Mark gets his choice of Loser mug or Loser T-shirt. As will Pete
Morelewicz, who’s gotten ink 13 times but not since 2011. Nice to have
him back.
Among this year’s clever entries that didn’t make my shortlist because
they were sent by four or more people: Hawk x Benediction (or Ten
Blessings) = Bird of Pray; Matt King Coal x Can’t Remember =
Forgettable; Economic Model x Miles of Humor = Laugher Curve (do we have
a seriously wonky Loser Community or what?); Mooose x Exaggerator =
Mooooose; Hawk x Ten Blessings = Birds of Pray; John Q. Public x Rated R
Superstar = John Q. Pubic; and, from like everybody: Rated R Superstar x
Stradivari = Sex and Violins.
Were there unprintably crude entries this week? Duh. See the bottom of
this column for some horses that wouldn’t be permitted inside any decent
starting gate.
*DID YOU GET YOUR FLUSHIES INVITATION? *
The guest list is filling up fast for this year’s Flushies, the Loser
Community’s 22nd annual awards / lunch/ songfest — this year it’s a
potluck at the home/farmlet of Loser Robin Diallo on Saturday afternoon,
May 21. Robin even invites you to bring the kids and pet the farm
animals. Organizers Elden Carnahan & Co. are asking for a big $5 a
person to cover costs. I’ve read the lyrics to one of the parodies
written for the occasion by Nan Reiner, and it is boffo. (If you’d like
to join an ad hoc OK Chorale to sing in harmony, email me.)
If you’re on the Empress’s email list, you should have gotten the
invitation this past Monday. In any case, you can see it here.
All Losers and just
plain Invite fans are welcome, up to the maximum of 60 or so, but If I
haven’t met you already, I’ll probably get back to you to chat you up a
bit before telling you all the logistical details.
*HORSES OF AN OFF COLOR: THE UNPRINTABLES*
Swagger Jagger x Big Squeeze = Queef Richards (Dan Harvey)
Cupid x Emoji Man = Raging Heart-on (Randy Lee) /
And all from Tom Witte: / /
/Mohaymen x Big Squeeze = Mo Hymen
Perfect Saint x Big Red Rocket = Saint Peter (I would have run that,
perhaps as “St. Peter” so as not to repeat “Saint”)
Annals of Time x Big Squeeze = Anals of Time
Giant Trick x Big Squeeze = Giant Dick
Mohaymen x Cherry Wine = Flohymen